


I Know This Changes Everything

by rayofsunshinc



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amputee Eddie Kaspbrak, Bev and Eddie friendship, Drug Use, Eddie & Bev's Roadtrip, Erectile Dysfunction, Everyone is a real fucking mess after clown trauma, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Rebellious Eddie Kaspbrak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:13:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29120994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayofsunshinc/pseuds/rayofsunshinc
Summary: After being left behind at the collapsing Neibolt House, Eddie washed into the Kenduskeag Stream barely clinging to his life. Recovering from his injuries, Eddie realizes that he’s meant for more, but he can’t escape the life that he’s made for himself and he keeps making things worse.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 12
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While I love a fluffy happy ending for the losers, I just really wanted to explore something less happily ever after. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea, so please be warned that this is an exploration of the negative outcomes of returning to Derry.
> 
> other possible warnings and/or triggers for this chapter that aren't in the tags: 
> 
> Eddie is kind of an ass in this. Not that he doesn't have a right to be in some ways or he's the only person not handling situations correctly. If you're not into that, you might want to look somewhere else. Myra is present in this story with her manipulation tactics, gaslighting and general abusive behavior. Ben and Richie both have an alcohol problem. Sex under the influence, unhealthy realtionships with sex, self-worth in relation to sex, internalized homophobia, discussion on injuries and death.
> 
> See notes at the end for warnings that could be potential spoilers.

PROLOGUE

_In my head, I play a supercut of us_  
_All the magic we gave off_  
_All the love we had and lost_  
_And in my head_  
_The visions never stop_  
_These ribbons wrap me up_  
_But when I reach for you, there's just a supercut_

\- Lorde

The untamed stretch of land that was The Barrens surrounded the Kenduskeag Stream. Stretches of trees, rocks along the bank on the stream, the clubhouse underneath the overgrowth, deep in the treeline. Birds were singing softly in the distance, flying between the trees. The hot August sun was blazing down on the water. The Barrens was a safe place. Eddie had the best summers of his life there. For once in his life, Eddie felt like he was at home.

Memories that had been forgotten for over twenty years were coming back in flashes of technicolor, a pleasantly overwhelming feeling. When death was greeting someone, their life flashed before their eyes, everything from birth, leading up to that moment of release. All that Eddie could think about was the summers in Derry; the sound of music playing over the radio inside the clubhouse, the smell of Bev and Richie’s cigarettes clouding around their heads, the soft fur of animals at Mike’s farm, the warm feeling of sitting inside the movie theater with his arm brushing against Richie’s, the rush of jumping into the quarry, the thrill of sneaking out of his bedroom to hang out with the rest of the losers because he wasn’t allowed to go out that night, the wind brushing against his cheeks as he rode his bike almost as fast as Bill or ran through the fields that led to The Barrens and beat everyone in a race. Eddie felt fearless when he remembered those things. He wasn’t afraid to die.

The foggy haze of memories was clearing. The blazing sun burned his eyes again. The cold water bumped against him. He pushed with his legs and pulled with his arms. His voice came out in a crackled yell, pain splitting through his body like a wildfire, white blurring his vision like was going to pass out from it. He blinked through his blurred vision and his ears were ringing. There was a warmth that burned within Eddie’s chest, one that fueled him to fucking _try_. He had to try to get out of the water or he was going to bleed out. That warmth was pain, Eddie found when he tried to use his arms to pull himself to the bank. The water wasn’t that deep, but his body wasn’t cooperating. Horror was washing over him that he didn’t have both of his arms anymore.

He managed to get himself onto the bank, and hoped that his open wounds were away from the water. It clicked in his brain that he had sloshed around in shitty water with a hole through his chest and his arm ripped off. He felt like he was going to puke. He was woozy and weak. He didn’t know how he was going to navigate through The Barrens in this kind of shape. He wasn’t sure how far downstream he was. He wasn’t sure if he could stand or not. He was starting to feel hopeless. If he didn’t get help, there was no way he was going to last much longer. 

Minutes, maybe hours passed as he laid there on the rocky bank of the Kenduskeag Stream, staring up at the sun until his eyes burned too. He tried to keep his brain turning. He recalled the events down below Derry in the labyrinth of tunnels and caves that had led him to where he was. Holding hands in that circle, screaming loudly at something he wanted to believe in, something he had to. The flashing lights from the deadlights. Richie. He was with Richie. Eddie had done the only thing that made sense in his mind at that moment. Kissing Richie after he was in the deadlights was the only thing that would get him out. That’s what Ben had done for Bev. Eddie hadn’t had much time to think it over considered he was fucking impaled with one of those fucking monster claws directly after. His friends had helped him move after he had been impaled. Where were they now? Why weren’t his friends there? Eddie was trying to remember what had happened after he’d been impaled. He remembered being alone with Richie. In the darkness of the cave, Richie was holding his jacket against his chest, telling Eddie he was going to be okay.

He wasn’t down there anymore, so surely he’d been helped to get out. Maybe his friends were getting help. 

Did they kill It?

#### ...

When Eddie was released from the hospital, he was surprised to find Richie there to pick him up instead of Myra. He thought he had been abandoned by his friends. Eddie couldn’t help resenting his friends even more after his lonely recovery in the hospital. His days in the hospital blurred together, slipping in and out of consciousness, but apparently in a coma for a while. He could remember when Myra finally arrived, her dramatic crying and demanding (what she was demanding, Eddie wasn’t sure) and arguing loudly.

The doctor told Eddie that it was incredible he had woken from the coma and called it a miracle that Eddie had regained his ability to walk. Eddie knew that there was something driving him that he had to nurture.

He was in Richie’s car, sitting in an odd sort of silence as they drove through town, passing by Bev’s old apartment building where he, Stan, Bill and Ben had scrubbed blood off of the bathroom walls and floors. The passed Derry town hall. Eddie was savoring the time that he had left in Derry, even though he wanted to get the fuck out and never look back.

“You know that you’re welcome to come to LA anytime you get sick of that fast-paced New York life.” Richie told him.

Eddie couldn’t see himself in LA for any reason. “Yeah, sure.” He held back saying _what the fuck does that have to do with anything_? He felt too exhausted to argue.

Richie stopped the car abruptly, pulling over to the side of the road. He was quiet, uncharacteristically so. Eddie turned to look at him, raised his eyebrows expectantly at Richie. Eddie was tired, irate, and he didn’t have time for Richie’s bullshit.

“Can you get out?” Richie asked.

“Of course I can fucking get out. I wouldn’t have gotten in your car in the first place if I couldn’t get out.” Though he did struggle, still learning how to navigate with only one arm and the injuries from a hole through his chest. 

He walked with Richie just a little ways until they were actually standing on Kissing Bridge. Eddie stopped when Richie did. He was a second away from telling Richie off for bringing him out like this, barely recovered. Then he saw that Richie’s gaze was on the railing of Kissing Bridge, all the carvings of names and initials. Some were fresh, but most were faded from years gone by, like Eddie’s memories of the losers. Richie.

Eddie’s eyes followed Richie’s too one particularly large pair of letters. 

R + E

The dots connected slowly. 

Richie + Eddie.

The letters weren’t fresh, they were worn from the twenty-plus years that had passed between them. The silence was heavy. The only sounds that filled the air were the birds singing quietly from their trees, bugs buzzing around the water, a quiet trickle of the stream. Throat thick with emotion, Eddie didn’t break the quiet. His gut twisted with unease, knowing there was something hanging in the air between them that neither of them could speak about. He turned to look at Richie, who was focused on the carved out initials, like if he didn’t look at Eddie, he wouldn’t have to face where he’d just brought Eddie, what he’d just confirmed and made real.

Eddie loved him. That much he was sure. He loved Richie more than he’d ever loved Myra. But there was the lingering question of _how_ he loved him. Was it different than how much he loved Bev or Bill or Mike or Ben or Stan?

Things were much different than when they were kids. They didn’t know each other any more.

Eddie swallowed hard, “Richie - ”

“I know - I know this was stupid - ”

“It’s not stupid.” Eddie turned to face Richie. He wanted to reach for him, but he didn’t trust how steady he was without his cane. Fuck it. He took in a deep breath, put his cane against the railing and steadied himself with a grip on Richie’s arm.

On closer inspection, Richie’s cheek was wet tracks of tears. Richie put his hand on Eddie’s, squeezing it tightly before he peeled it away. Eddie’s face scrunched up, brows making the lines on his face stand out against pale, sick-looking skin.

“I _can’t_.” Richie’s voice was pleading, like he wanted this even though his words said otherwise. Richie dropped Eddie’s hand.

Eddie closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. When he opened them back up, Richie had turned away.

“Are you seriously doing this right now? Are you seriously walking away from me?” Eddie shouted at Richie’s back. “Again?”

Richie didn’t turn around.

.

September 3, 8:05 AM  
Richie: i’m sorry

September 4, 9:08 AM  
Richie: i care about you so much  
Richie: i thought you were going to die

September 9, 12:15 PM  
Richie: i’m sorry

September 30, 1:23 AM  
Richie: i know i fucked everything up but i just want you to be my friend

October 23, 5:00 PM  
Richie: if its my fault your not responding to the group videos, i’ll sit the next one out

December 31, 11:30 AM  
Richie: i miss you

December 1, 12:45 PM  
Richie: i’m sorry

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

_I need something for protection_  
_Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine_  
_The jets; I'm sunk; I'm left behind_  
_I'm treading for my life, believe me_  
_How can I keep up this breathing?_

\- Blue October

_California nights_  
_Make me feel so happy I could die_  
_But I try to stay alive_

\- Best Coast

Eddie had desperately fought for his life through the most pain he had ever experienced. He was still alive. He was alive in spite of the pain. That had become sort of a mantra that Eddie repeated in his mind to keep his head above water. He spent his time since Derry healing and adjusting to his new lifestyle. Though as usual, Eddie was feeling stifled. All the things that were begging to burst free inside his chest were contained by one person. Myra.

Before Eddie had even returned back to New York City with Myra, he had a good idea of how it was going to be. Myra was going to coddle and baby him. She was going to insist he not do anything, insist he not go anywhere, insist he not learn to adapt to his new life, preferring him to give up. Before returning to Derry, he might have done all of that without question. Before he had it in his mind that he wasn’t supposed to encourage that fire that burned deep within him. He had to keep putting it out.

After Derry, Eddie didn’t think that he could go back to that. He was on fire and he was ready to catch the world on fire with him. Slowly, the flame was being extinguished by Myra. He was itching and yearning to let it explode. It wasn’t like he could just leave (even though Bev and Bill had offered up a place for Eddie to stay). Myra couldn’t financially survive without him. He needed her to take him to his doctor’s appointments. Even though … he managed to do things without her just as well. When he had doctor’s appointments and physical therapy, Myra always promised she was going to drive him there. More than once she had made an excuse not to take him -- busy with her friends or her sister. Eddie couldn’t help wondering if she even wanted him to get well at all.

He managed to get from place to place with the help of one of his friends from before or with help from Bev. Eddie was worried about learning to drive again with just one arm, but knew he _could_ one day. Even since the appointments had become less and less often, and he was walking just fine without his cane, he still hadn’t gotten behind the wheel. Myra preferred it that way too and didn’t offer any encouragement. It reminded him of how his mom had refused to help him learn to drive in the first place, afraid that he’d just get behind the wheel and happily leave her behind.

Maybe Myra was afraid of that as well. 

“I packed your lunch so you don’t have to go out to that filthy deli down the block from your office.” Myra handed over his lunch box. “And Eddie, it’s not like we can afford the luxury of you eating out every day with the hospital bills.”

“I get it.” Eddie said, quick and snappy.

“Why do you always have to use that tone? I’m just trying to make things easier for us.”

“Okay, Myra.” Eddie attempted to sound more neutral, at the very least. “Thanks for making my lunch.”

“Have a good day at work.” Myra said. “Don’t stay too late. You’re much too weak to be away from the house for those long hours. Are you sure they won’t let you work from home again?”

Eddie was actually very glad to be back in the office instead of working remotely from the spare bedroom Myra had reluctantly helped him turn into a half office. He was also allowed to go to the gym so long as he didn’t overdo it on lifting, which he never _had_. Mostly it was core exercises to keep his back supported and running. He didn’t tell Myra about his trips to the gym after work.

“Yes. We’ve been over this.” Eddie said. “No one else in the office gets special treatment and gets to work from home, so neither do I.”

“But you’re not well.”

“I’m perfectly okay.”

“You know I just worry about you.”

Eddie kept telling himself that Myra meant well. She just wanted to help. She was surely noticing Eddie's patience growing thinner and thinner with the way that she acted around him. Nothing had been the same since Derry. It was true that she loved babying him and taking care of him, but there was another worse side of her that seemed ashamed of him. She often put on the front that she was worried about what other people would think, that she just didn’t want other people staring, but really, if it was her choice, Eddie would never leave the bedroom ever again.

It was particularly apparent earlier in Eddie’s recovery, when he was still spending most of his time on bedrest. Myra had one of her friends over and Eddie had come through the house for what, he’d even forgotten, Myra’s reaction had been so crazy. She had jumped up from her seat, told Eddie she would get him whatever he needed, and walked with him back toward the bedroom. After her friend left, Eddie asked her why she was ashamed to be seen with him. She cried, said that Eddie put her through too much and she didn’t understand why he was being so cruel to her.

“I’m okay to go to work, Myra.” Eddie said.

“Okay. Okay.” Myra forced a smile at him. “Be careful. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

There was no goodbye kiss.

For the mere fact that Myra has asked him not to buy something to eat, Eddie dumped the contents of his lunchbox into the garbage can outside his office at lunch. Myra particularly had a lot of opinions about Eddie’s favorite Polish deli. She probably hated that it was something that Eddie enjoyed. She claimed that it was dirty and the owners were rude. Eddie thought the total opposite. The lady at the counter was always very nice to him, despite her brow always being furrowed. She spoke mostly Polish and Eddie had learned some phrases over the years. Enough to make her smile at him. This time, she was shocked when Eddie came in and was missing an arm. At this point, Eddie had nearly forgotten that it shocked and distrubed people. He also rarely gave a shit about making people feel comfortable. It was what it was.

Eddie scanned the menu. Myra said that perogies were going to give him a rash because of the gluten and carb content. She always said who really knew what kind of meat went into the sausages. It was something that Eddie never questioned. In fact, Eddie got a kielbasa on bread with imported mustard for lunch that day. Maybe it was all because he’d always been curious about his Polish heritage that he was never allowed to learn about because it was too _painful_ for his mother to ever talk about his father.

In further rebellion against Myra and his mother, he grabbed a pączek to eat too.

After a polite smile, Eddie stepped outside to eat his food. He spilled mustard on the lapel of his suit. “Fuck!” He exclaimed. A guy who passed by looked over. “The fuck are you looking at?” Eddie spat at him. He ended up not finishing the sandwich in favor of trying to wipe the mustard off of his clothes. He was disgruntled while he ate his pastry.

On the way back to his office he noticed a newspaper stand and thought that seemed pretty obsolete these days. He glanced down at the magazines lining the bottom row. One caught his eye when he saw a familiar face on the cover.   
  


> **Trashmouth hits** **ROCK BOTTOM!**
> 
> ****• Cringeworthy performances, bizarre behavior, and violent outbursts  
>  • Deadly diet of vodka, cocaine and piles of prescription pills

Eddie ripped the magazine off the shelf. He narrowed his eyes at it and bought it. He knew that these magazines tended to over exaggerate, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious about what they had to say. There could have been some truth to it.

Avoiding Richie was an understatement. Eddie had blocked his number back in September. He didn’t take part in the losers group chats because of him. He didn’t do group calls unless Richie wasn’t involved. He told himself that it was based on the fact that Richie had left him standing in the middle of the road in Derry directly after he’d gotten out of the hospital, that Richie was obnoxious and annoying and did shitty comedy acts, and partially because he was having a hard time trusting any of his old friends after waking up in the middle of the Kenduskeag Stream bleeding out.

He knew that really, it was because Richie was different.

Eddie went back inside his office wearing a scowl. He dropped the magazine on his desk and went to the bathroom to try to get the mustard stain out of his suit again. The paper towel and water wasn’t helping much. He took in a deep breath. He tried not to take out his general annoyance (one that was much deeper than a mustard stain) on his fellow employees, but failed. Miserably. But fuck them for being so incompetent.

He stuffed the magazine in his bag and walked to the gym.

It wasn’t until he got home that he became brave enough to pull out the magazine. He studied the front page a little longer. Richie’s sweat damp hair, the dazed expression on his face. Jesus. He peeled open the pages to find the article about Richie. It was accompanied by more photos.

> _The comedian was spotted outside a club in Los Angeles looking disheveled as ever. Though he’s never been clean-cut and fashionable, Richie has never looked this bad!_
> 
> _Last August, Richie got a spaced out look on his face before stumbling through a cringe-worthy comedy set in Chicago. Tozier cancelled his tour. His bizarre behavior points to him abusing drugs again._
> 
> _We thought Tozier would be in rehab again after this episode, but it turns out he returned to his childhood hometown and was nearly killed in an accident involving a collapsed house! Richie may have turned back to drugs and alcohol to cope._
> 
> _He returned to comedy this winter, but during his first show he collapsed on stage! Richie tends to stay away from high profile events and prestigious clubs, but since his possible relapse, he’s been spotted more and more often, always visibly drunk. Even during his performances he slurs his words._
> 
> _A close source tells us, “He hasn’t been himself. He has wild mood swings and is behaving erratically.”_
> 
> _What’s the dark history behind the town that Richie Tozier, author William Denbrough, and fashion designer Beverly Rogan grew up in? Is Beverly Rogan leaving Tom for Richie Tozier or William Denbrough? Has the childhood friendship turned into a love triangle?_

Eddie became hyper-aware of his phone sitting on the table next to him. He unlocked it, scrolled and his finger hovered over Richie’s blocked contact. He hit unblock. He stopped and sighed softly, mentally fighting off the urge to send a message.

Instead, he went to his messages and typed one out for Bev.

Eddie: Hey. According to Star magazine, you’re leaving your husband for Bill and Richie.

Bev: Didn’t you know that I was trying to fuck all of our middle school friends?

Eddie: 😆 Thanks for the update.

“What are you reading?” Myra asked. Eddie looked up at her, frowning deeply. She turned the magazine on the table so she could see the article. She shut it and looked at the front page and tsked. “Isn’t that one of the people you knew in Derry?”

“My friend.” Eddie said.

“You don’t need to be associating with people like that, Eddie.” Myra said.

Eddie glared at her when she took the magazine in her own hands. She opened the article, shaking her head as she read it. Eddie became more and more infuriated by the moment.

“It’s sad, really.” Myra said, then tossed the magazine into the garbage can. “I can’t believe your friends are such a mess. Bill and Beverly both getting a _divorce_.”

Eddie knew that Myra was dying to comment about Bev. She was the one that Eddie had been staying in contact with the most, learned to trust again the most. Maybe because of the similarities of their childhood homes, being damaged by a parent that claimed to love them, being poor, longing to be free. Plus Bev was in New York most of the time. They met for coffee sometimes, lunch, or dinner. Bev helped Eddie branch out in what he was wearing, helped tailor his clothes for the missing limb.

Myra was insanely jealous of her, which Eddie found incredibly irritating considering he had no desire to be with Bev romantically.

“Well, if she’s being passed between Bill and Richie, I guess she doesn’t have time to sleep with me, so you can stop worrying about that.” Eddie spat.

“So you admit you’ve been thinking about it?” Myra asked.

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Myra, for the hundredth time, I’m not interested in Bev romantically.”

“I would understand if you were. She’s much prettier than I am.”

“Myra, just fucking leave it alone.” Eddie snapped.

Her eyes welled up with tears. “I don’t know why you have to be so _mean_.”

Eddie sucked in a deep breath. If she wanted mean, he could show it to her, he thought. Instead, he scooted his chair out and went to her side. He placed his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, but Myra, you have got to stop this. It’s not good for either of us.”

She flinched away from him. “Everything’s been so bad since you went to Maine.”

“I know.” Eddie said quietly. Except things had been bad _before_ Derry too.

“Why do you keep talking to those people?” Myra asked tearfully.

“They’re my friends, Myra.”

“You were fine without them.”

Eddie smiled a little to himself. Sure he was. “They’re great people that you _refuse_ to get to know before you make snap judgement.”

..

There was a part of Eddie that was still afraid of things changing, despite knowing he was a different person and he needed it. Even though they already drastically had. He forced himself to pack up a suitcase and just get into the car with Bev for a trip across the country. It was irresponsible of him to do that when he’d up and left Myra before, already put her through so much when he left for Derry, but Eddie had to do something for himself.

The road trip had appealed to both Bev and Eddie. They talked about just getting away, going somewhere upstate or even a long weekend to Jersey to the beach. Anything. But when Bev said she wanted to go across the country, Eddie admitted that he’d never been to the west coast, and they settled on that.

Guilt had crept in by the time that they reached the Pennsylvania state line.

“Oh, look!”

Eddie’s eyes snapped up as they passed the Pennsylvania state sign. The highway had fields and rolling hills surrounding it. Even as he held his hand out the window, wind touching his arm, brushing his face, he couldn’t shake the guilt. He closed his eyes, brows furrowed and lips in a thin line.

“Eddie?”

Eyes opened again, Eddie looked over at Bev. Her hair was a wild rush of fire, flying in all directions. She looked so cool in her sunglasses, a light smile on her features as she looked out at the open road.

“Yeah. I’m here.”

“Okay.”

With music blasting in the car, Eddie tried not to think about why, for a second time, he’d left Myra back in New York without a detail of where he was going for people that he barely knew anymore. He was getting to know them again. Sometimes, in the group chat or video calls, it felt a little bit like they were back together in the club house or spread out on Bill’s bedroom floor for a sleepover. Waves of nostalgia and memories that he liked having back would swirl around in Eddie’s mind and remind him that he could do better than what his life had ended up like. Naive dreams of a young boy who felt like a prisoner in his own home came flooding back.

Eddie wasn’t a teenager anymore. He had just turned forty. He had a stable job where they had, thankfully, been understanding about his first disappearance out of the blue. He didn’t know how he was swinging the second one, maybe because he gave them more warning than he had his wife, or he was damn good at his job and they needed him. He had a townhouse in Manhattan, a wife who was happy to take care of him, and a stable, well-paying job. He didn’t need anything else. Especially from people who had left him for dead. 

And yet, here he was in the car with one of them.

That first day they passed through Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois. Bev drove all day until they reached Chicago. They stopped there for fun. Eddie had been there before for a business trip. They led each other to touristy spots and had deep deep dish pizza.

After a long day, Eddie easily fell asleep in the strange hotel bed.

.

Nebraska was a stretch of nearly nothing. Farms, tumbling fields and strange-shaped rocky mountains. Even though Bev didn’t say so, Eddie was sure that she had taken this route specifically through the barren state because Ben was currently in one of his homes located in Hemingford. Other than that, there was a big bunch of absolutely nothing there.

Eddie felt strange seeing Ben again. When Ben went in for a hug, Eddie embraced Ben in it, the hug lingering. The longer it lingered, the more Eddie’s resentment was falling away. It was easier for him to forget how angry he once was at his friends when he talked with them, and realized that they still did care about him. He was happier than he thought to see Ben, actually. 

The first night, the three of them sat around Ben’s living room drinking and eating a delicious meal that Ben had cooked for them. Ben wasn’t eating though, claimed that it interfered with his drinking and he would have his food later. Eddie and Bev tried not to feel weird sitting at the dinner table while Ben had an empty place in front of him.

Eddie had noticed that in group calls, he was much less talkative than he’d been as a kid or even as he had been in Derry. Ben and Mike did more talking, which was quite a swap. Eddie thought that maybe the two of them were more desperate to hold the losers together. Eddie’s silence was even more apparent at Ben’s house. It was because Ben was drinking, but he was talking a lot. Filling the silence.

The following day, Eddie finally went outside to have a private conversation with Myra about where he was, apologizing over and over and over for not telling her. He knew that he couldn’t keep doing this to her. Especially since the last time he disappeared he’d come back with only one arm. But on the other hand, he felt exhilarated that he was doing something he was _forbidden_ to do. It was a thrill to piss Myra off. None of this was healthy for either of them, but Eddie had to sort himself out or he was going to go crazy.

Eddie found himself behind the driver’s seat of Ben’s truck later that day. 

“You can do it. Besides, even if you can’t, you’re not going to hurt this thing and there’s nothing you can hit for miles.” Ben said.

Eddie turned his head. “Except for oncoming traffic.”

“You see any cars out here?” Ben asked.

“Fine.”

It turned out that Eddie could drive perfectly fine with one arm. Even though it had been months since he’d been behind the wheel, he remembered how to drive. Like riding a bike, you never really forgot. It wasn’t like Eddie spent the majority of his time driving with two hands anyway, he reasoned. With the window down and an unknown road in front of him, Eddie had never felt so free. 

Ben didn’t seem to mind that they had driven for nearly an hour and a half before Eddie asked how to get back to his house.

Later that night, the three of them shared another bottle of whiskey. Eddie could see that he was becoming somewhat of a third wheel that night, with the way that Ben and Bev exchanged looks and laughed between each other. Eddie smiled to himself, not feeling too bad about it, really. He excused himself a little early to allow them to do whatever it was that they were doing.

Eddie did fall asleep easily with the alcohol in his system, tired from travelling and exploring. He drifted off with his phone still on his chest and still in his clothes.

He woke a little later, wiping his eye with the back of his hand. He stretched a little.

In the pure silence of the night, Eddie could hear every little thing that was happening inside the house, sounds echoing through the hall and under the crack of the door. He could hear the rattling of a bedframe, Bev’s moans muffled by the distance. Eddie sat up in his guest bed, knowing that Ben would be mortified if he knew that Eddie could hear them. It made him grin a little, then suddenly feel hollowed out inside. 

Eddie couldn’t remember the last time that he’d had sex just for the fun of it. He had scheduled ‘healthy for marriage’ sex sometimes, if neither he or Myra made an excuse about why they couldn’t or Eddie took a pill to make his dick work right. He tried really hard not to think that there was something wrong with him, that men weren’t nearly as deprived and interested in sex as they pretended to be, that men developed erectile dysfunction early. He knew in the back of his mind that it was him. That he wasn't attracted to women at all.

If Myra was embarrassed for her friends to see him without an arm, was she ever going to want to have sex again? Maybe he was better off with her being uninterested completely. Maybe he was better off if this injury had just totally fucked his chances of getting hard ever again.

Part of him was curious, because it wasn’t like he was actively trying to get turned on. Hearing Ben and Bev have sex was … well, it could have been hot. Ben was hot. Another part of him was disgusted at the idea of getting aroused to the sound of his friends having sex. He quickly shed his pants and shirt, then buried himself under the comforter, this time put a pillow over his head and tried not to feel completely mortified that he’d even considered listening.

.

The sharp, snow capped Rocky Mountains loomed over them in Colorado. The lush green trees started disappearing in the middle of Utah. The endless stretch of golden-brown desert led them to Nevada. Dust followed their vehicle to the outskirts of Las Vegas. Eddie had never gambled before, but it turned out that he and Bev were both good at it. They stayed at a motel called Desert Star. Eddie had a serious problem with getting under the blankets for fear of bed bugs or worse.

They decided to stay another night despite Eddie’s reservations about the room. Even though he also found the pool disgusting, Bev talked him into buying a pair of swimming trunks. They lounged by the pool slathered in sunscreen and drinking beer out of a paper bag.

Up until the point in which they crossed the California state line, Eddie had been avoiding thinking about what staying with Richie in LA meant for him. It meant facing Richie for the first time since he’d taken him to Kissing Bridge and left him standing there alone. It meant explaining to Richie why he hadn’t texted him back. It meant facing whatever feelings that he had left over from childhood.

He turned up the radio for an excuse not to talk. He pretended to nap. Anything not to have to try and voice what was going on in his head. He hadn’t talked to Bev about any of this and didn’t plan on doing it now.

When they pulled up outside of Richie’s house, Eddie was too surprised and impressed to be worried. His curved brick driveway and exterior of the Spanish Hacienda house made Eddie itch to pull out his phone and find out if Richie was living in a million dollar home and _how_. Eddie ran his fingers along the white painted brick of the archway that led onto the front stoop. 

“Beverly!” Richie held his arms out.

Bev shot forward, pulling Richie into a tight hug. “Hi, honey.”

“Eddie.”

Standing at Richie’s front door, Eddie was holding onto the top of his suitcase. He offered Richie a half-smile. Eddie was studying his face, trying to fight the feeling of fondness that was crawling into his belly just at the sound of his name coming out of Richie’s mouth. “Hi, Richie.” Eddie stepped in, luggage trailing behind him. He had his bottom lip worried between his teeth. “You said I was welcome any time and _well_.”

“Yeah, offer still stands.” Richie said.

“Can we get a tour of the house, Richie?” Bev asked.

Richie’s house was huge. In comparison to the New York townhouse that Eddie shared with Myra anyway. He had two living rooms and a study. There was unique, detailed tile everywhere and white painted wooden beams along the downstairs rooms. There were four bedrooms upstairs. The backyard had a tile patio and across the yard was a big pool. 

It was incredibly nice, but it was hard to imagine Richie there alone. There were traces of Richie, but overall the house felt like no one lived there. The only sure signs that someone lived there was the coffee mug on the counter and the ashtray on the back patio full of cigarette butts.

..

The next day, Eddie was lounging on one of the lawn chairs by the pool. Richie was in the lawn chair next to him smoking a cigarette. He squinted over next to him, hand raised to shield his eyes from the sun. The blue smoke was in a haze around his face. The sun was glowing around his profile.

Riche glanced over, catching Eddie staring and grinned. “You didn’t pack sunglasses on your trip to fucking California?” Richie asked.

“I left them in Bev’s car.” Eddie leaned back, throat tight with embarrassment that Richie caught him looking.

Richie was still looking at him. Eddie could feel it. Eddie was always hyper aware of everything that Richie did. He knew that there was a lot that they hadn’t said to each other, and he could feel every bit of it in that burning look.

“Can I fucking help you?” Eddie asked, looking back at him.

Richie brought the mixed drink up to his lips and gulped. Eddie watched his throat. “You’ve got freckles on your nose. Like when you were a kid.”

Eddie’s lips drew into a thin line. He looked back out at the pool where Bev was laying on a bright pink floaty on the sparkling blue water.

“You guys getting in or what?” Bev called.

Eddie pushed himself up from the chair. 

Fingers curled around the edge of his t-shirt, hesitating to pull it over his head. He had spent the last week with Bev and was starting to feel less self-conscious around her. But his feelings for Bev were obviously a lot less complicated than everything that he was feeling with Richie.

He swallowed back the insecurities that had been eating away at him since August. He pulled the shirt over his head, leaving him in the swim shorts he’d bought at the store in Las Vegas. He stepped out of his sandals and dipped his feet in the water. He was struggling between the insecurities because of the way his body looked, but also because he had struggled just a little bit with swimming. This was only the second time he’d tried. Not that he’d done very much in his adulthood either, because Myra always hated the way that she looked in a bathing suit. Eddie could understand that a little better now.

He sucked in a breath and dunked down into the water.

.

Bev was out with Bill. She had been gone since early in the day. Eddie was on Richie’s patio. A bottle of liquor sat on the table between them, sweat dripping down the bottle and pooling at the bottom. The evening was sticky-hot. There was a pleasant aroma coming from the bush of white trumpet-shaped flowers mixed with the smell of weed. Eddie was feeling pleasantly buzzed. He was sitting back in his chair, grinning as Richie rambled on about why Iron Man was the best Avenger, as if Eddie really had an opinion on the matter. He just liked arguing with Richie.

“Dude, you just like him because Robert Downey Jr. is in the movies. It’s okay. You can admit that.” Eddie said.

“Fuck off.” Richie rolled his eyes. “I’ve been reading Avengers comics since before 2011. I formed my opinion back then.”

“You remembered your comic book opinions, but you didn’t remember your friends?” Eddie asked.

“Obviously.”

“Nerd alert.”

“ _Wow._ ”

Eddie threw his head back to laugh loudly. He could feel Richie’s eyes on him.

“What?” Eddie asked, still grinning a little.

“Nothing.” Richie said, shaking his head a little and flicking the ash off of the joint. “I just can’t believe you’re sitting across from me right now.”

“Believe it.” Eddie said with a gentle laugh. He unscrewed the top of the bottle of raspberry flavored vodka he’d plucked it off the shelf at the store. Eddie poured a little into his cup before turning it back. Tongue swiped over his lips after, and he cringed just a little. “Honestly, I can’t either.”

Eddie couldn’t help remembering the headlines on the tabloid that was stuffed in the garbage can of his kitchen. Eddie didn’t think Richie seemed like he was perfectly fine, but he thought that Richie seemed better than ‘ROCK BOTTOM’ anyway. 

“So I read in Star magazine that you’re on a diet.”

Richie laughed, “What?”

“Yes, a deadly diet of vodka, cocaine and piles of prescription pills.”

Richie’s face didn’t budge. “You can’t believe the shit you read on those things, Eddie.”

“Did you pass out at a comedy club?” Eddie asked.

Richie opened his mouth, then closed it again. “I - It wasn’t what they made it sound like.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Richie.” Eddie said.

“I’m fine.” Richie insisted. 

“Passing out isn’t fine.”

“It was one time.”

“Which is one time too many.” Eddie hesitated. “Are you on drugs?”

“No!” Richie said. “I just take what the doctor prescribes me.”

“What does your doctor prescribe to you?”

Richie clamped his mouth shut.

“Sorry, that was invasive I guess.” Eddie said.

“Those tabloids dramatize everything.”

“It did say that you and Bill were in a love triangle with Bev.”

Richie laughed a little. “See? Nothing to worry about.”

They sat in a silence that was heavy with the fact that Richie was lying. At least about being fine. Maybe he wasn’t taking pills and doing coke the way that the magazine had implied, but he was getting drunk every day that Eddie and Bev were there. They never really talked about Derry. About how it left them both traumatized.

“I missed you.” Richie said suddenly.

Eddie narrowed his eyes a little, chest twisting into something equally warm and concerning.

“How do you know if you didn’t remember me?” Eddie asked.

“I just knew there was something missing.”

Eddie narrowed his eyes more, a thick line between his eyebrows. He knew what Richie meant. There was a bond between them that was distinctly different from the others, even Bev. “And that was me?”

Richie was busying himself with putting out the last bit of the joint, pretending like he hadn’t heard Eddie. 

A flare of anger went through Eddie. “Why do you keep bringing it up if you don’t want to talk?” Eddie asked.

Richie was silent. He wouldn’t look up. Eddie focused his gaze on Richie, watching a bead of sweat drip from his temple and get caught in his sideburns. He watched Richie lick over his lips, readjust his position in the chair.

“Well?” Eddie prompted him again.

Richie crossed his arms. “What do you want me to say? You’re straight and you have a wife last time I checked.”

Eddie felt his heart drop, but then flutter with a thought. “What if I wasn’t?”

“Huh?”

“What if I wasn’t straight? What would you do then?” Eddie asked.

Richie stared at him. “I … I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Eddie asked.

Richie shrugged.

“So R + E doesn’t mean anything?” Eddie said.

Richie sighed. “I fucking had a crush on you when I was a kid and when I remembered you all those feelings just … just came rushing back to me.” Richie was looking up toward the sky, a silent prayer. He looked back toward Eddie, avoiding looking directly at him. “I’ve spent all this time pretending that I’m straight, that seeing you was a punch in the gut, being in Derry was a reminder of why I’ve been pretending for so long.”

“Sorry to bring up so many bad feelings.” Eddie mumbled bitterly.

“No! It’s not _your fault_.” Richie’s voice was pleading, his eyes were a little glassy. “If I could control the way that I feel, I fucking would, but I can’t.”

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “It’s valid to … to explore all the lingering feelings from back then. All of our memories were unfairly stolen from us.”

Richie drew his lips back into a thin line. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. Eddie was watching his throat, eyes following to his chest. His brightly patterned shirt was open with only two of the middle buttons closed, showing off the thick hair that spread across his chest and the soft swell of his belly was peaking through at the bottom. Yeah, he was attracted to Richie. The idea that he had a chance with him thrilled Eddie.

“You’re quiet now.” Eddie pointed out.

“So are you.” Richie said.

“You still have a crush on me?” Eddie asked, voice almost teasing. His throat was tight though, like the answer was either going to suffocate him or make him suck in a breath of relief. He wasn’t sure what answer would cause him to do which. Maybe he would do a little bit of both no matter what Richie said.

Richie laughed uneasily. “I mean, you’re the same to me as you always were.”

“So - yes?” Eddie asked carefully.

“I would say that yes, I still have a crush on you.” Richie’s voice was quiet, but steady.

There was a silence in the air between them for a moment as they shared eye contact. Eddie’s heart was beating loudly in his ears. He was smiling wide, not meaning to. His cheeks felt hotter and he was thankful that it was getting darker out.

“Oh, you’re just gonna leave me in silence after that?” Richie asked.

Eddie reached for the liquor, uncapping and taking a long gulp. He couldn’t … do anything about the way they were feeling. Could he? He wanted to. He wanted to put his hands on Richie, to go over there and climb in his lap, kiss him hard. He had never had this kind of desire inside him before. It was scary as hell, but it was thrilling. He wanted it so badly that it hurt. Had he come all the way across the country, knowing in the back of his mind that this was a possibility? Wanting it so badly he had to face it? Do something about it?

Eddie got up from his chair. He scooted Richie’s chair out so he could face him. His hand gently fell onto Richie’s chest. With wide eyes, Richie slipped his hand over Eddie’s, keeping him close. Eddie put himself in Richie’s lap. He leaned in to kiss Richie. Their lips met so eagerly that it was kind of bad at first, too much too soon. They fell into an easy rhythm, slower and memorizing the feeling. Kissing a man. Kissing _Richie_. 

“This okay?” He asked, forehead against Richie’s.

“More than okay. Yeah.” Richie nodded quickly. 

His thighs were so sturdy and nice, perfect for sitting, perfect for _riding_. Eddie was shocked at his own brain. 

Their lips met again, just as fervently as the first time, but with a little more practice this time. Everything they said seemed counterproductive, and this was complicating it much worse. Eddie tried not to think. The desire burning in his chest and the alcohol blurring his brain made it easier not to. He had never felt attraction to someone like this before.

Eddie’s hand went to the first button of Richie’s shirt. “I’m still learning how to do stuff with one hand.” Eddie mumbled. “And it’s not like I know a lot about - what I’m doing anyway.” But he looked determined as he unbuttoned the few buttons on Richie’s shirt.

“You don’t know about buttoning shirts in your old suit and tie Wall Street New York lifestyle?”

Eddie glared up at him. “About gay sex.”

Richie’s eyes widened. “Oh - that’s what we’re doing here.”

“Maybe … or at least something in that area.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They met each other’s gaze, then both laughed softly.

Richie kissed Eddie harder, tongue wet and pressing into Eddie’s mouth. Eddie groaned against his mouth. Richie’s hands went to Eddie’s hips, urging him closer. Eddie had been afraid that he wasn’t able to get hard just days before this, but now he was so hard that it _hurt_. His hard cock pressed into Richie’s stomach, and there was absolutely no hiding it. He couldn't help the way his hips rutted against him. The soft cushion felt perfect against his cock, even through the fabric of his swim trunks. 

“Should we go to your room?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah. Yeah we should.” Richie mumbled.

Once they got to Richie’s room, Eddie felt nervous with how real this was becoming. He looked at Richie, who just smiled at him. They kissed more, shed clothes until Richie was laying on the comforter, only wearing his boxers. His shoulders somehow looked even bigger without the cover of a shirt, pressed back against the mattress. Pecs soft, but with some bulk beneath them, like most of his body. He was dusted in a layer of dark hair. Eddie was with a man, like he always wanted to be somewhere deep down, and maybe he always wanted it to be this particular man too. 

Eddie tickled the underside of his knee. He jerked it up, bumping into Eddie’s chest. Richie looked beautiful. His eyes sparkling as he giggled. 

“Hey, watch it.” Eddie giggled back.

“Sorry!” Richie relaxed his legs again.

Eddie smiled down at him. He splayed his hand out on Richie’s stomach. Eddie wanted to touch every single part of Richie, but if he took any more time, he wasn’t sure he could stand it. 

And Richie looked at him intently, brows worrying together.

“What?” Eddie asked softly.

“I want you so bad I can’t _stand_ it.” Richie’s voice was low and raspy. He put large hands on Eddie’s hips, fingers curling into the skin.

Eddie never felt desired like this before either. All he’d been feeling since he’d gotten hurt was unwanted, weird. It felt good hearing Richie talk like that. In a way that Myra never had.

He dug his fingers into Richie’s skin, dragging through the light dusting of hair. He tucked his fingers into the waistband of Richie’s boxers. Richie helped him drag them off.

Eddie looked down at Richie’s dick, still soft and laying right under the curve of his stomach. Still _big_. Not that he’s looked at very many dicks up close. Bigger than when his own was soft. It was pink and veiny above round, heavy balls. Eddie reached to touch him, and he was spongy-soft in his hand. With his hand around the base, he could feel coarse hair tickling his hand. He attempted to squeeze and tug, the same way he would with himself. He heard Richie’s breathing stutter, but nothing happened with his dick.

“I’m sorry.” Richie said, not meeting Eddie’s eyes.

“It’s okay.” Though he was trying not to feel let down or self conscious. He was quickly plummeting from the feelings of validation he’d gotten from Richie’s words. He was becoming hyper-aware of his pale scars, jagged and discolored against his skin. Aware of the rounded off piece of what used to be a full arm. No wonder Richie wasn’t able to look at him and keep an erection. Eddie was stupid to think that this was a good idea. He let go of Richie.

“No, it’s not.” Richie mumbled.

“Richie - ”

“Ever since I fell, my body’s been fucked up. I - I can’t really. I - I’m sorry.” Richie looked like he was about to start crying.

And suddenly, Eddie felt small for having been so selfish. Everything wasn’t about him. He swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry.” Richie mumbled again.

“I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to either.” Eddie admitted.

“Really?” Richie asked.

“Yeah.” Eddie said quietly.

“I uh, spend a lot of my time masturbating. There’s random hookups here and there. I’ve never had a problem unless I’ve been super fucked up.” Richie told him.

Eddie tried not to feel jealous over these faceless hookups that Richie was referring to.

“After I came back from Derry with a fractured pelvis I haven’t been able to get hard at all. My doctor says that I might eventually be able to again, but only time would tell. Which is like fucking foreboding as shit.” Richie looked embarrassed for the first time ever while he was talking about something sex related.

“I had no idea you cracked your fucking pelvis, Richie. What the _fuck_?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah, it wasn’t that bad. It’s better now.”

“Is that what you were talking about with the doctor prescriptions?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well at least you didn’t break your dick from masturbating too much.”

Richie snorted. “Fuck.”

“As long as it’s not … something to do with me.” Eddie added selfishly.

Richie sat up a little. He put his hand on Eddie’s face, thumb brushed against his cheek. “Eddie, you’re literally the hottest person alive. Of course it’s not you.”

“The hottest person alive?” Eddie said skeptically, eyes narrowed.

“Yeah.” Richie said. “Right after Ryan Renolds.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. He put his hand on Richie’s arm, rubbing his bicep gently. “We don’t have to …” Eddie mumbled.

“No. I still want you.” Richie said quickly. “I can suck you off or - you can still … you can still fuck me.”

Eddie scrunched his face up, shoulders slumping a little. “But - ”

“I don’t care.” Richie cut him off. “It still felt good when you touched me. I want to be close to you.” Richie’s voice was almost pleading.

“Okay.” Eddie nodded slowly. “Only if you’re sure.”

Richie nodded quickly. “Please.”

“You’re gonna have to help.” Eddie said with a sigh.

“That’s okay.” Richie said. “I have lube in the side table drawer.”

“Oh.” Eddie could feel his cheeks brightening.

Richie pushed himself up off the bed, moved to look through his bedside drawer. He tossed the bottle onto the bed before he laid back down, thighs spread out. 

Eddie settled himself between his thighs. He leaned down to kiss him, hand wondering up his thigh and between them. He teased the place under Richie’s balls, making him squirm. He pulled his hand back to reach for the lube.

“Shit.” Eddie grumbled.

“Here.” Richie sat up a little. He helped him spread the lube along his fingers. It was annoying that he couldn’t just do what he wanted, but he’d take it until he learned to navigate sex better with one hand. Although learning meant he expected there to be more times.

He nudged Richie’s knee with his own. Taking the hint, Richie spread his legs out further and Eddie traced between his asscheeks. Richie panted.

“What if I hurt you?” Eddie asked.

“I can take dick, Eds.”

“I mean your fucking cracked pelvis, idiot.” Eddie said.

“Are you gonna fuck me so hard you crack my pelvis again?” Richie said, grinning at him fondly.

“Shut up. I’m being serious.”

“Eddie, I swear, it’s okay.” Richie said. “I’ll tell you if something goes wrong.”

“Have you - have you done this before?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah.” Richie said. “Not … often.”

Eddie tried not to be jealous of the other people who got to be with Richie as he teased his finger against the rim. Partly teasing, partly nervous.

Finally, Eddie pressed his finger against the pink pucker of Richie’s ass. He knew that, technically, this was gross and that he should have made sure that Richie was like actually clean. Thinking about it too technically made his brain want to reject the situation. But for one, he was too far in now to stop, and two his dick apparently liked that this was more than just metaphorically dirty. He’d softened some during their conversation, but he was hard and dripping again.

 _Stop thinking_. He told himself.

He turned his brain off, looked down at Richie whose chest was rising and falling with pants, and pressed a finger inside of him. When a low groan left Richie, he was immediately back enveloped in the situation. He was making Richie feel good. He was doing this.

He wasn’t sure that he’d be too keen on dirty talking, but he did like to murmur questions and compliments against Richie’s neck after he ended up kissing him while three fingers deep.

“You have condoms, right?” Eddie asked the less sexy question.

“Um.”

“You’ve got to be joking.”

“I’m sorry. My dick hasn’t been working all that well.” Richie said.

“Fuck.” Eddie mumbled. This wasn’t meant to happen. That was fine. They could just stop.

“Hold on.” Richie pushed himself up off the bed to look in his bedside drawer. He moved across the room, looking in drawers of his dresser. “Fuck yeah!” He triumphantly held up a condom that was wrapped in a package that said ‘Choking Hazard’. Eddie nearly got up and went to the guest bedroom.

Eddie rolled the condom on, stayed on his knees between Richie’s legs and brows furrowed. “God, are you sure this is going to —“

“What, Eds?”

“Fit? I mean, my dick’s not as big as yours, but it’s still like five and maybe a half inches. Maybe. Maybe I’m over compensating. I don’t know. It still looks big right now.”

“I’m not the virgin Mary, Eddie.” Richie said.

“Shup the fuck up.”

“I don’t care how big it is. Just … just put it in me.” Richie said. 

When he sank his cock into the tight heat of Richie’s body, Eddie moaned out loudly. Even with the light layer of latex, Eddie had never felt so incredibly good. He was afraid he wasn’t going to last very long. 

“You can move.” Richie assured him.

Eddie leaned over Richie, hand balanced on the mattress beside his head as he thrust in deep and quick. He liked watching the expressions on Richie’s face, even if he was too close to see it all that well. He was lost in the feeling, hips thrusting hard into Richie.

“ _Richie_.”

“Is it good?” Richie asked, almost as if to ask, _Am I good_?

“It’s - it’s so good, Richie. So good.” Eddie’s voice cracked as he spoke. 

“You can fuck me harder. I’m not going to break.” Richie panted out. His fingers were digging into Eddie’s back.

“Richie - I’m not going to fucking last.” Eddie admitted through grit teeth.

“That’s okay, baby.” Richie said.

He rocked his hips, grinded in until he came, the word ‘baby’ echoing in his mind. It was something he should hate, but he was sure it was what drove into an almost immediate orgasm. All that for just a few minutes. It was embarrassing.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie murmured. 

“Gees, Eddie, I didn’t take you for a two pump chump.”

“Fuck off.” Eddie said, burying his face against Richie’s neck.

Richie laughed. Eddie could feel it against his sensitive, softening dick. Eddie slowly pulled out, carefully discarded the condom. At first, he thought that Richie was still laughing, but as it turned out, he was crying. Eddie was terrible at handling crying. He never knew what to say, never knew what to do.

He crawled back over to Richie’s side, pulling him close. He shushed Richie softly, hand moving up to comb through the back of his hair. “Richie.”

At the sound of his own name, Richie seemed to cling onto Eddie tighter. They made out more, rolled around on top of the sheets, kissed against each other’s skin, Eddie even left marks on Richie’s skin.

“Fuck me again.”

“Richie, I - ”

“ _Please_.”

Eddie was impressed with his refractory period. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d had sex or even masturbated, so maybe that had something to do with it.

Richie got up to retrieve another condom, and when he came back, he got onto his hands and knees, ass in the air and hands already curled into the blankets in anticipation. With a new coating of lube over his cock, Eddie pressed inside of Richie with a shaking moan.

With a push forward, Eddie bottomed out, grinding as if he could go any deeper.

“Come on, Eddie. Fuck me.” Richie taunted him. 

Eddie’s hand splayed out on Richie’s back, pushing to make him arch more. 

“Come on.” Richie repeated.

Eddie listened. The thurst was harsh, sharp at the end. Richie gasped with the force of it. Eddie took that as encouragement, building a steady pace until he’s fucking Richie hard. Richie’s face is buried in his pillow, moaning. 

He cried out so wildly that Eddie bent over his back, going slow. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Richie said through a pant. 

Eddie stayed leaned over his back. His arm wrapped around Richie’s middle, fingers digging into the flesh and trailing through something wet and sticky. “ _Oh_.” He went slow, ground in deep and hard.

“I wasn’t sure that was possible, but I just _fucking came_.” Richie rasped out.

Eddie kept close, thrusting hard into him over and over until he came.

.

By day five, Eddie was strictly sleeping in Richie’s bed. He woke Richie up in the golden light of the morning by licking a line up his cock, never mind the sweat, that just made it better. He smelled so strongly like Richie down there beneath the sheets. He wanted to be so enveloped in Richie that he never forgot him ever again. 

Eddie gently touched Richie’s thighs, tickling him gently while he mouthed at his cock. He didn’t care if Richie wasn’t getting hard. 

The fact that Richie had tried so hard to downplay his injury really worried Eddie. Richie mentioned that he’d been to physical therapy, made entirely too many sex jokes that pissed off his nurse. He still made lots of sex jokes, tried to cover up the fact that he was upset about the fact that he might not be able to get an erection again. Richie had also told him that he was on a hiatus from performing. Not that he seemed too upset about that. Eddie had figured out that Richie was also miserable in that aspect of his life because of how long he’d been pretending. But then again, Eddie knew the feeling.

The sheet pulled up and Richie was peering down at him. “Eddie … fuck.”

“Morning, sunshine.” Eddie kissed Richie’s thigh, then dug his teeth into the flesh just because he _wanted_ to. There were blissful mornings of making out and touching each other, then sleeping in. There were alcohol-blurred nights too, but Eddie didn’t regret a fucking thing.

Though the high wore off the moment that Eddie was leaving in the car with Bev. He was quiet, watching the way the world rushed by him. His mind was just as much of a swirling tornado when he and Bev pulled into the desert-dust of a parking lot at dusk. Eddie hardly said anything as he pulled his suitcase out of the trunk and took it into the hotel room. He sat down on the edge of the red and orange swirled comforter, head falling into his hand.

“Eddie?” Bev said. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m a horrible person.”

Bev sat down beside Eddie and put her hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “No, you’re not.”

“I had sex with Richie.”

“Okay … ”

“And it was mind blowing. It was fucking amazing.”

Bev laughed softly. “You’re allowed to be horny.”

“Ugh.” Eddie’s shoulders slumped. “But it’s not just about that.”

“Then what’s it about?” Bev asked.

“I love him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist: [apple music](https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/i-know-this-changes-everything/pl.u-NpXmbkaCpE5rJz)
> 
> find me on twitter: @rayofsunshlnc
> 
> .
> 
> Other triggering material in this story that could be considered a spoiler: Eddie is abusing his prescribed pain killers, there's a scene in a later chapter that some might consider light dub con.
> 
> If there's anything else that I can think of I will be sure to add it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie finds something out that changes his perspective on everything. When will he make the right moves for himself?

_And if the sun don't shine on me today  
And if the subways flood and bridges break  
Will you just lay down and dig your grave?  
Or will you rail against your dying day?_

\- The Lumineers

_Now and then you miss it, sounds make you cry_   
_Some nights you dance with tears in your eyes_   
_I came to visit, 'cause you see me like a UFO_   
_That's like never, 'cause I made you use your self-control_   
_And you made me lose my self-control_

\- Frank Ocean

Finding himself in LA for seven days full of poolside lounging and blissful sex really was something out of a wild fantasy. Eddie found himself daydreaming about it, as if he’d made it up. He was back to his mundane life; pills, work, gym, home, pills, sleep, pills, work, gym, home, pills, sleep, pills, work, physical therapy, home, pills, sleep. 

He was trying not to be weird and obsessive, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Richie. He knew that the best thing for him to do was not to talk to Richie. Instead he had started talking to him every day. It was to the point that if Eddie didn’t see Richie’s name pop up on his phone around 2:30 PM (10:30 AM Richie’s time), he would start to worry.

Even as Richie became busy with his work, he still made time to talk to Eddie. Although he didn’t seem to be taking Eddie’s advice that his old jokes weren’t funny. Richie always laughed it off when Eddie told him something like that. It was a shame, really, that Richie was letting himself be sold short.

The daily texts and regular phone calls were something that Eddie tried to hide from Myra. He didn’t want any more questions then he was already getting and God forbid she actually read the texts. There was a lot of Richie saying he missed Eddie and Eddie replying with an eye roll emoji. There was even more of what they would be doing if they were together. There were dirty texts and hushed phone calls. For someone who had problems getting their blood to flow to their dick, Richie sure still thought with his at all hours of the day. Eddie had never read so much filth in his life. He really liked it.

The thrill of sneaking to talk to Richie was actually making Eddie feel a bit better just in general. It was nice to feel wanted. 

He still had his lunches and meetings with Bev, which was also technically forbidden, but it wasn’t the same thing. He was on the way to meet Bev for coffee during his lunch hour. The line was long, but they stood together to gossip a little. Bev paid before Eddie could argue. Bev reached over to adjust Eddie’s tie while they waited for their orders. He let out a disgruntled little noise.

Once they got their food, they found a place at one of the tables outside.

“Were we in line too long? Do you need to head back to work?” Bev asked.

“Fuck them. I don’t even leave for my lunch break half the time. I can take a long lunch.” Eddie was glaring in the general direction of his office building.

Bev laughed. “Alright.” She took a sip from her drink. “I can see that you’re still not very happy with that job.”

“What gave it away?” Eddie asked.

She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. “Listen, I’m being serious when I tell you that I would be happy to find a job for you within my company - ”

“I don’t need someone handing me a job - ” He interrupted.

“I wouldn’t be handing you a job.” Bev interrupted right back. “I wouldn’t offer it if I didn’t think you were capable.”

Eddie didn’t say anything about how much Myra would hate it if he started working for her. Instead, he caught a glimpse of Bev’s phone lighting up. A text from Ben. He smiled when he watched her smile down at her phone as she replied. “So are you and Ben like officially together now?”

“Nope.” Bev said, dropping her phone into her purse instead of leaving it on the table.

“Oh.”

“I need time.”

“It’s been almost a year since Derry.”

“And I’m still not over it.” Bev said stubbornly.

“Fair enough.” Eddie tried not to poke at the Derry subject too much. Mostly because he didn’t want to talk about it either.

“Are you still ... whatever it is you’re doing with Richie?” Bev asked.

Eddie clenched his jaw. He regretted ever mentioning what had happened in LA to Bev. “We talk.”

“Regular talk or talk-talk?”

“Talk-talk.” Eddie admitted.

“Hm.” Bev had her arms crossed, lips thin, like she was dying to say something. Eddie couldn’t fully read her expression because of her sunglasses, though he could guess it was disapproving.

“What?” Eddie asked sharply.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Bev said.

“It’s not a big deal. Half the time I don’t think that Myra even likes me anyway.” Eddie said.

“I’m not talking about Myra, even though that’s … not great either.” Bev said. “I’m talking about Richie.”

“What about Richie?” Eddie asked.

“I think he’s vulnerable and doesn’t need to be put in the position you’re putting him in.” Bev said.

The words hit in his chest. A sharp, painful feeling. He actually had no idea what Richie was thinking, because they talked a lot of surface level shit, but never dove much deeper. Still, it was none of Bev’s business. “Why do I get judged for what I’m doing? What about you? Aren’t you just stringing Ben along while you fuck Bill too?” Eddie asked.

“Wow.” Bev narrowed her eyes at him. “I talked to you about that because I trust you.”

“I’m just saying that you don’t have room to judge me.”

“Text me when you’re done being an asshole.” Bev said sharply. He gathered her things and walked away from their table.

Eddie rolled his eyes. He hadn’t meant to offend her, but he was _right_.

..

Sometimes Eddie wished that he could run away from everything and never look back. He felt like the walls were closing in on him every time that he sat still too long in his house. He could feel the weight of the life he had made for himself crushing him. After dinner he stared at himself in the mirror, murmuring about how he was an idiot. He filled up the bathroom cup with water and swallowed down one of his medications. He still felt bad for what had happened with Bev, still felt like he had no idea what he and Richie were doing, still hated every aspect of his miserable fucking life.

As if Myra could sense his weakness, she waved his phone at him when he came out of the bathroom. He froze. He felt like his guts were going to drop completely out of his body. Fuck being impaled by a clown limb. This was worse.

“I know you had lunch with _her_.” Myra said. 

Relief flooded through Eddie’s body so fast that he got whiplash. “Now you’re going through my phone?” Eddie asked.

“Why are you hiding things from me, Eddie? You never used to hide things from me.” Myra’s voice was full of faux emotion.

Sure, Eddie didn’t seem like he was hiding things _before_ because they weren’t so desperately trying to escape like they were now. He hadn’t had many friends before, so Myra had no reason to feel threatened.

“Because every time you find out that I do _anything_ you panic.” Eddie said.

“Well, you’d be panicked too if your husband was having an affair!”

“Myra, I’m not having a fucking affair with Bev. Jesus Christ.” Eddie said. “She’s dating Ben.” He added as cover.

“You never used to treat me this way, to lash out like this. Those friends of yours are horrible influences.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with them.” Eddie searched his brain for something to blame his attitude on. “It - It’s me. My injuries.”

“Oh, Eddie.” Myra said tearfully. “It’s been so hard on both of us.”

“Yeah.” Eddie said shortly. “Can I have my phone back?”

Myra held out his phone. He took it from her, eyes flashing down to the screen to see Richie’s name pop up.

“Richie Tozier’s been texting you. He says he misses you. A bit ridiculous for a grown man to be saying, isn’t it?” Myra asked.

“Sure.” Eddie replied. “You didn’t read anything else, did you?”

“Why?” Myra asked.

“Just wondering.” Eddie said. “I don’t have anything to hide.”

..

Later that week, Eddie was finishing up at the gym when he got a Facetime call from Richie. It was 4 hours earlier for Richie, but he seemed like he was drunk. Eddie put his phone on the holder near the dashboard so he could sit in his car and talk before he drove home. 

“Why don’t you use a prosthetic?” Richie asked.

“Because they’re completely fucking useless and you pay thousands of dollars. The next step up from a piece of fucking silicon is a _hook hand_. Can you imagine if I had a fucking hook hand?” Eddie asked.

Richie laughed. “There are so many gay pirate jokes that I don’t even know where to start.”

Eddie laughed too. He shook his head. “Anyway, why’s it any of your business?”

“I was just asking a fucking question. Jesus.”

“You’re allowed.” Eddie said.

“Thanks for the permission, your highness.”

Eddie shot Richie a look and broke into a grin. “Sorry I’m a dick.”

“Well, you could at least try to be nicer to me.”

Eddie watched the screen intently as Richie put a bottle up to his lips. “Are you trying to kill yourself?” Eddie asked.

“Can’t imagine it’d be so bad if I dropped dead.” Richie turned the bottle up to his lips again.

“You shouldn’t say things like that.” Eddie said.

“Why not?” Richie asked.

“Because! Stanley _is_ dead, you absolute moron.”

“Stan The Man.” Richie said, accidentally slamming the bottle down on the table and knocking his phone over. “Shit.” Eddie heard.

Eddie rolled his eyes. He rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefingers. 

“What’s the matter?” Richie asked. “Long day at the office?”

“Yeah.” Eddie lied. 

There was part of him wondering if he was there with Richie if he would be happier. 

_No_. 

He shouldn’t put that on himself. If Richie wanted to kill his liver, that was his own fucking prerogative. He needed to want to be happy on his own. He needed to want to heal from the trauma without the help of alcohol.

 _Or pain pills_.

“I, uh hadn’t heard from you in a few days.” Richie said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Got worried when you weren’t calling me to jerk off every day anymore. I guess you’ve been doing that without me.”

“I don’t jerk off every day.”

“Really?”

“No, I’m not thirteen.”

“You jerked off every day when you were thirteen?”

“No! God you’re fucking annoying.” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Fucking thanks, man. Comes with the territory. You should remember.”

“Clown took my memories.”

“Is that like a dog ate your homework?”

Eddie tried not to smile. He sighed softly, “I haven’t talked to you because Myra saw you texting me that you missed me. I just … I’ve been nervous that she’s going to go through my phone more.”

Richie nodded, but didn’t say anything about that.

“She’s been on my ass about me hanging out with Bev ever since I got back from Derry. It’s fucking ridiculous. She’s so controlling, I can’t stand it. I can’t go out to eat, I can’t go to the gym, I can’t hang out with my friends.”

“Do you listen to that shit?”

“No. I fucking do it anyway. I can’t stand being told what to do.”

Richie was quiet again.

“What’s your problem?” Eddie asked.

“Nothing. I just know you aren’t going to like my response is all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fuck you.” Eddie said.

“I’m sorry I care about you and don’t like to hear about you being treated like that.”

Eddie narrowed his eyes at Richie. This was the closest they’d come to talking about what was going on between them or how they felt since the first and only conversation. Eddie felt like it was bullshit. He had been left for dead inside the dark, cold underground labyrinth of tunnels that led to the lair of the very definition of fear. He’d been left in the dark, foul underground of Derry to rot alone. Then, not even a goddamn hospital visit. Richie had no right to say how much he cared now.

“You care about me so much that you couldn’t even come see me in the fucking hospital?” Eddie asked.

“Didn’t come see you in the hospital?” Richie sounded exasperated. “Eddie, I was there all day and all night until your bitch of a wife showed up.”

“What?” Eddie looked at the phone, completely dumbfounded. 

“We all were.”

Eddie shook his head, “But that’s not possible.” Eddie had been under the impression that none of them had stuck around long enough to see if he was dead or alive after Bill and Mike found him near the stream. His anger at them for leaving him behind was manifesting, growing the entire time he was in the hospital because he thought that they just forgot about him.

“Yeah. Myra told us to leave. I tried to argue with her, but she threatened to call the police and tell them I was harassing you.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Eddie mumbled. This changed his perspective a little. Made him feel like he was being shitty to his friends for _less_ of a reason. They had at least tried to make up for leaving him by coming to the hospital, by trying to stay in contact even though Eddie was the one pushing them away now. “I thought that you guys just didn’t come at all.”

“No, we would never do that.” Richie said. “Eddie, you have to know much we care about you. How much I care about you.”

“I guess I should’ve known better.” Eddie said quietly. “I … I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not _okay_.” Eddie sighed softly, “Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah.” 

He hung up the call to send a text to Bev.

Eddie: Did Myra tell you not to visit me in the hospital?

Bev: It was a little more complicated than that, but yes.

Eddie: What happened?

Bev: She got into a huge screaming match with Richie.

Eddie: So it was Richie’s fault.

Bev: Richie definitely didn’t help the situation.  
Bev: He was just worried about you. He panicked at the idea of not being able to see you when you recovered.

Eddie: He was the one who picked me up at the hospital.

Bev: Really? He must have heard you were getting out from Mike. We had him checking in on you. One of the nurses was good friends with him.

Eddie: I thought you all just stopped coming to see me.

Bev: We wouldn’t do that to you. Not after what happened.

Eddie: I’m sorry about coffee Tuesday. I am an asshole.

Bev: It’s not okay, but I forgive you.

Eddie: Thanks.

.

Dread was filling Eddie when he pulled into his garage. His fingers were tingling, he was so angry. He didn’t want to fight with Myra, but he was furious about this. She couldn’t just get away with trying so hard to isolate him. He fumbled with the medicine in his middle console. 

Once he talked himself into it, he opened the door.

“Eddie, your home so late. Dinner’s cold.” Myra said immediately.

“You talked to my friends?” Eddie asked quietly. 

“What?” Myra asked.

“When I was in the hospital. Did you talk to my friends? Tell them to leave?”

Myra narrowed her eyes at Eddie. She crossed her arms. “It was for your own good. Your dearest Beverly was short with me. That drug addict comedian was completely rude to me. Mike has clearly been in that cow town for too long. No social skills whatsoever.”

“Mike’s very personable and well-liked.” Eddie interrupted.

“The only one who seemed half-way decent was Bill.”

Eddie remembered when he broke his arm. He remembered his mother sending all his friends away, being split up that summer, alone and miserable in his room. Too injured to leave the house, his mom had said. 

“Myra, why did you send my friends away while I was in the hospital?” Eddie asked.

“Well, I - I didn’t want you distressed! They were complete and total strangers - and - “ 

“I thought they just fucking abandoned me.” Eddie cut her off. “Why did you do that?”

“I - I - just wanted to protect you!”

“You’re fucking crazy!” Eddie exclaimed.

“Oh, that’s really mature, Eddie.” Myra said.

“You _are_ crazy!” Eddie said.

“How was I supposed to feel when there were five strange people acting like they deserved to be around you in that state when I’d never even heard you talk about them before? When you just disappeared and then I got a call from some stranger about how you were in a coma? How was I supposed to cope with that, Eddie?”

“By being there for me.”

“How can you say that I haven’t been there for you?” Myra asked tearfully.

“You haven’t supported me while I was healing and adapting to my new life. You won’t stop looking at me like I’m some fucking abandoned puppy on the side of the road! You’re ashamed to be seen with me and then wonder why I’m seeking out the company of people who _aren’t_.” Eddie was shaking with the fear of speaking the truth, but that’s what it was. “This was just the icing on the cake. I could live with the fact that you’re struggling with this too. But trying to isolate me from people who understand what I’ve been through?”

“How can they understand you! You haven’t spoken to them in _years_.” Myra asked.

“Why can’t you just be glad that I have other people who are there for me?”

“You’re being so mean, Eddie.” Myra said. “I’ve been here for you. I’ve helped you get well - ”

“Stop the bullshit, Myra. This might have worked on me before, but it’s not now. I’m not going to feel guilty for what you’ve done wrong.”

Myra was crying. Maybe in earnest now.

Eddie felt bad, but only felt bad because he didn’t really feel bad for her. Eddie ignored her and went up the stairs. Eddie got into the shower, letting the hot water nearly burn his skin. He leaned his hand against the tile, fist balled up. He started crying. He fucking hated himself for that. He stayed in for a little longer than necessary to mask his small metal breakdown.

Myra was waiting for him in the bedroom.

Eddie rolled his eyes.

“I know what’s best for you, Eddie. You didn’t need stress from whatever those people drug you into, you needed to heal.”

“I don’t want to talk about this Myra. I’m going to sleep in the spare room.” Eddie said firmly. 

He walked out of the bedroom, ignoring her ‘but’s. He tried to remember what he’d liked about Myra when he met her. They met at work, they both complained about things that were going on in the office. Myra let him complain more and ate lunch with him. She even laughed with him when he made jokes sometimes. She was familiar at the time, he guessed, because now he’d be blind if he didn’t notice that she was a lot like his mother.

Eddie had never found her attractive. He had never really wanted to kiss her, but he did when she talked him into taking her on a date. Then suddenly, they’d been in a relationship. She said she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, which had been fine with Eddie, because he didn’t want to do it at all.

While Eddie hadn’t particularly had romantic feelings for her, he had liked her as a person once. He’d enjoyed being her friend. Being around her. Now he could hardly stand to look at her, let alone like her.

The only person Eddie could think of that he did like right now was Richie.

He called even though they had talked earlier.

“I got in a huge fight with Myra over the hospital thing.” Eddie whispered.

“Shit, Eddie. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I needed to know.” He said quietly.

“Why didn’t you just text me? I can hardly hear you.” Richie murmured, mirroring his tone despite being alone in the vast expanse of his LA home.

“I just - I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Oh man, they were _fucked_.

..

Feeling particularly brave the next day, after he was finished working out, he pulled out his phone. He didn’t have anything sexy to say to Richie, but he was craving the attention. Eddie lifted his shirt over his head. He was covered in a light layer of sweat from his workout. He was gaining muscle back from his time in the hospital where he unfairly lost most of his muscle mass. He swallowed hard, pulling his phone up to snap a picture. He sent it to Richie.

He looked at himself in the mirror afterward. He hung his head a little, shaking it lightly and sighing. “What the fuck am I doing?” He mumbled. 

He looked back at the phone screen, those three dots appearing almost immediately. A small smile formed at the corner of Eddie’s mouth.

Richie: 🥵🥵🥵  
Richie: I wanna lick the sweat off your little tummy.

Eddie: My little tummy? Fuck off.

Richie: I love your little tummy.

Eddie: Is there anything else you might want to lick?

Richie: obviously  
Richie: wanna get my mouth on your dick, eds. I can practically see it through your shorts

Eddie: You can not.

Richie: it’d be so easy to grope you through them, get you hard get down on my knees

Eddie: You’re giving me a boner in the gym lock room.

Richie: i’m glad there’s one boner between us  
Richie: you should go to a stall and jerk off

Eddie: That’s gross.

Richie: oh come on. better than sneaking off in your house to do it later.

Eddie: Is it better to do it in public than the privacy of my downstairs bathroom?

Richie: come on, it’s kinda hot

Eddie was one step ahead of where he was letting Richie believe that he was. He was in the shower stall naked, back against the wall, cock standing hard against his stomach. Fuck having one arm. He wanted to look at his phone and jerk off. He pushed Richie’s contact and called. He rested his phone between his cheek and shoulder.

“I’m kinda in the middle of something.” Richie said.

“Nevermind. Shit. Sorry. I just … I wanted to talk to you while I … ”

“Oh.” Richie hummed softly. “Hang on one sec.”

“Okay.” Eddie already had his hand wrapped around himself, slowly stroking his cock. He took in a shuddering breath.

“Jesus. You already started?” Richie asked.

“A little.” Eddie murmured.

“Too bad I can’t see you.” Richie said.

“I don’t have time to figure it out.” Eddie said quickly.

“Alright, alright.” Richie chuckled low. “You thinking about if I was there with you?”

“Yeah.”

“About me on my knees, tongue all over you, but not quite putting it in my mouth yet?”

“Fuck.” Eddie hissed, jerking himself faster.

“I’d tease you and get you really wet. Not that you’d need much help with that. Your dick always gets so fucking wet for me, baby.”

“Shut up.”

“Is it wet now? You leaking all over your hand?”

Yes.” Eddie whispered desperately.

“If I was there, I’d have licked it all up. Then I’d put my mouth on you. I’d let you fuck my mouth.”

“The only way to shut you up.”

“You like hearing me talk. Don’t lie.”

“I do. Please, keep talking.”

“You’d fuck my mouth and I’d love it. Maybe you wouldn’t want to finish in my mouth though. Maybe you’d like to fuck me.”

“God, yeah.”

“I’d like that even more. I love the feeling of you inside me.”

“Richie - ”

“That’s it, baby. Let go.”

Eddie clamped his mouth shut, groaning low in his chest as he came. He jerked himself through it, listening to Richie ramble on a little more. He slumped against the wall again, chest rising and falling. “Fuck.” Eddie breathed out.

“You feel better?”

Eddie laughed a little. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Any time. I gotta get back to my meeting.”

“Jesus, you left a meeting for that?”

“Yeah. Talk to you later.”

Feeling a little high from his orgasm, he turned on the water in the shower stall he’d chosen. He tossed his phone on his bag and sighed. Under the scalding water spray, he tried to wash the shame off.

..

When Eddie found out that Richie was going to be in New York City for a few days, he felt incredibly excited. For the next few weeks, he was dreaming up scenarios with Richie. Mostly sexy ones. It was the only thing that he’d really been looking forward to in months. He felt the anticipation of it in his fingertips. He spent longer time at the gym on the days leading up because he couldn’t sit still.

They met in Richie’s hotel room early that day. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other for long enough to really ask how the other was doing. Eddie kissed Richie and licked into his mouth with everything he had. His hand traced over Richie’s chest, his sides, his hips. He squeezed, urging them closer together so Richie could feel how hard he was.

Richie sank down to his knees to pull Eddie’s dick out of his pants. It was rushed. It was passionate. It was thrilling. He came in Richie’s mouth with his hand tugging on his hair.

..

Eddie met Bev to watch Richie’s show. They sat together, watching as Richie did one of those bad routines that weren’t him at all. Eddie felt uneasy through it, like he was watching some kind of car wreck and couldn’t stop looking if he wanted to.

Bev looked over at Eddie part way through. “Do you want me to go to the concession and get you a drink?”

“Let’s just go get a drink and some nachos.” Eddie said.

“Alright.”

In the lobby of the venue, Eddie sipped on a beer and picked out a really big jalapeno to put on his nacho. He wasn’t talking very much. He knew what it was like to be in Richie’s shoes. Maybe on a smaller scale, considering Richie had a fanbase and all. But Eddie felt like he was doing his own routine every day. It was tiring.

Luckily, Bev didn’t question it. She just sat with him until they could hear the show ending.

Later that night, Eddie went to Richie’s hotel room to stay the night. Richie was so drunk that he was slurring his words. More than anything, it was annoying. Eddie powered through his obnoxious behavior, because he was also being affectionate. It was still nice to spend some time with someone who actually liked him and who he liked back. Even if he smelled like a brewery.

..

The next night, Richie and Eddie were out on a _date_ . It wasn’t like … a date-date, but they were having dinner together at a nice restaurant. It wasn’t until they were making out in the Uber on the way back to the hotel that Eddie felt like he could almost forget who he was supposed to be. It was a wild risk. Richie could’ve been recognized by the driver, someone could have seen them through the windows. Part of Eddie was feeling reckless enough not to _care_. He felt daring and free when Richie was touching him.

When they got out of the car to go to Richie’s hotel afterward, Eddie pulled his phone out of his pocket to google something they were arguing about. “What the fuck?” He mumbled. Eddie tapped on his phone and immediately made a phone call. He had it on speaker and looked like he regretted it immediately when Ben answered the call.

“Your wife’s a bitch.” Ben said.

“Nice to talk to you too.” Eddie said, glancing over at Richie. “Richie’s here.”

“Hey Ben!” Richie was looking particularly perky about the fact that he wasn’t the last person in their friend group to call Eddie’s wife a bitch.

“Hi Richie.” Ben said politely. He moved back to the previous subject quickly. “She called me.”

“Fuck.” Eddie grunted as they entered the elevator. He took the phone off speaker and put it up to his ear.

“She called me to inform me that Bev is cheating on me with you. She called Bev a home wrecker and a few other choice words. She said that I should know.”

“Obviously that isn’t what’s going on - ”

“We all know you’re fucking Richie.”

Eddie frowned and felt his stomach do an uneasy twist. “Okay.”

“Let your wife know she’ll regret ever trying to contact me again.”

“It won’t happen again.” Eddie cut him off.

“It better not, Eddie. I’d hate to hurt her feelings, but I will.” Ben said.

“You wouldn’t tell her about - you know, would you?” Eddie said, throat tight.

“No, I won’t tell her about who you’re actually fucking. We’ll just keep letting Bev take the heat for your issues until you work them out.” Ben said sharply.

“Point taken.” Eddie said.

“Goodnight. Have fun.” Ben said.

Eddie’s head was hanging a little, shoulders sagging with the weight of everything he was doing. Guilt crept up Eddie’s spine, but selfishness made him put his hand on Richie’s back and pull him in close. 

“Wow! Mean Ben. I like him.” Richie said.

Eddie glared over at Richie. “Fuck him. Ben was fucking _drunk_.” Eddie spat.

Richie raised his eyebrows. “You think?”

“Yeah, could you not hear it in his voice?” Eddie asked.

Richie shrugged.

“You should’ve seen him back at his place. Wouldn’t eat dinner because it would interfere with his buzz. That’s what alcoholics do.” Eddie said.

Richie was still quiet.

“And another thing. Bev isn’t even officially _with_ Ben. Did you know that?”

“Nope. Sure didn’t.”

“Yeah. She’s off doing whatever the fuck she wants and Ben’s still so protective over her. It’s all so stupid.”

Richie was uncapping one of the small bottle at the mini bar. He downed the small bottle in what looked like a quick gulp. When Eddie kissed him he could taste the alcohol over the taste of Richie. He kissed him until it was gone, until he was in Richie’s lap, hands all over each other. Eddie rocked his hips, desperate for the same feeling he got the first time he had done this. Eddie focused on the feeling of Richie’s big hands on his back, then untucking his shirt. He let Richie unbutton his shirt and take it off. 

Eddie worked on Richie’s shirt too, pushed his hand inside once it was unbuttoned, desperate to feel the warmth of Richie. He shrugged out of his shirt too. Eddie leaned in to kiss Richie’s neck, to bite and bruise the skin low in his neck and around his collarbone.

He pressed back down onto Richie’s lap, trying to feel if he was hard. When nothing was happening, Eddie let out a frustrated noise and climbed off. He turned his back to Richie, ignoring the miserable look on his face. 

Eddie went to the bathroom. He closed his eyes, hands gripping the edge of the sink. He opened up his medicine bag.

 _It’s okay_ . He tried to tell himself. _Richie’s fine with this_.

Without taking too long to get himself together, Eddie came back out into the hotel room. He crossed over to where Richie was now uncapping another bottle at the minibar. He put his arm around Richie’s middle, leaned his chest against Richie’s back.

“Hey.” Eddie mumbled against his shoulder.

“Hi.” Richie turned his head a little to nuzzle against Eddie.

Eddie kissed Richie’s shoulder gently.

“Do you … do you have sex with her?” Richie asked.

“What?” Eddie asked.

“With Myra.”

Eddie pulled himself away from Richie a little. “No. We haven’t had sex in over two years.”

Richie was quiet.

“She - she doesn't want anything to do with me since I got hurt.” Eddie detached himself from Richie. “She says that it’s because she’s worried about me, but I know it’s because she’s not really attracted to me anymore. Which is fine, I mean, it’s not like - ” He stopped, swallowed hard and let silence fill the room again.

After a moment, Richie turned to look at him. “I love your scars. They remind me of how brave you are.”

Eddie’s brows scrunched up on his face. “Richie … you don’t have to say that.”

“I’m being serious.” Richie said. “I - I love everything about you.”

“Fuck off, Richie.” Eddie said. “You don’t get to just bring Myra up and then try to prove that you’re better than her.”

“I wasn’t trying to do that.” Richie said quietly.

“Then what’s the matter with you?” Eddie asked.

“I don’t know!” Richie said, exasperated. “Fuck. Just forget it.”

“No, tell me.”

Richie’s brows were furrowed, eyes glassy beneath his frames, and face red. “I’m sorry that it bothers me to sit here and hear about your wife when I want to be with you.”

“You fucking asked.”

“Yeah.”

Eddie eyed him for a pause. “So do you want to fucking do this or not?”

“Of course I do.” Richie said quickly.

“Alright, then let’s get back in bed.” 

Eddie fumbled with his belt, but shed his pants quickly as Richie settled back onto the bed. Eddie hovered over him, fingered him hurriedly. Richie was quiet, aside from squeaks of moans escaping when Eddie curled his fingers over a certain place inside him. Richie’s glasses were up in his hair, face tucked into his elbow.

“Look at me.” Eddie murmured.

Richie peeked out from his arm. He caught Eddie’s gaze. He was determined, full of care and clouded with lust. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked.

“Uh huh.”

Eddie stretched him out for a while longer, until neither of them could stand it anymore. Richie was turned over on all fours when Eddie brushed the head of his cock against Richie’s hole, making him gasp. 

He put his hand on Eddie’s, fingers moving to brush against the head, then helped urge his cock past that tight ring of muscle. He moaned out loud when Eddie shifted, limbs gripping onto him, afraid that this moment might slip away. “Richie.”

“What?”

“I’ve never - I’ve never - ” He wrapped his hand around Richie’s waist, fingers digging into the parts of him that were made for Eddie to hold onto.

“You’ve never what? Felt like this?” Richie asked.

Eddie gasped, “No, I’ve never felt this good.” He pumped his hips harder into Richie.

Richie moaned softly below him. “You’ve never had good sex?”

“Richie … ” Eddie fucked Richie, eyes squeezed shut and groaning softly in his throat.

“Tell me, please. Please keep talking to me.” Richie murmured.

Eddie took in a deep breath, grinding in deeper on that thrust. “I’ve - I’ve never had good sex.” He gasped softly, thighs twitching with the effort of pulling back to fuck back in.

“Not even with your wife?” Richie asked quietly, hesitantly even.

“Richie.” Eddie panted out, completely still inside of Richie.

“Tell me.” Richie’s ass tightened around him, making his cock jump. His hips jerked and he fucked back into Richie.

“No. No. Nothing like this. You feel so good, so tight around me, Richie.”

“You do too.” 

Eddie kissed against Richie’s back. He rolled his hips, groaning softly. Eddie was pulling Richie back on his thrusts, slamming into him with a force that slid him up the bed. There was nothing but the sound of skin slapping, their breath coming out in hot pants, and low moans.


End file.
